eye2i

13 09 2012

It bothers me to no end that the whole Kool-Aid metaphor is attached to a gruesome incident in Guyana some 34 years ago. As horrible as that tragedy was, our lingering memory is of a once-innocent kids’ drink. Maybe we cope better by taking the bad and trying to spin in a little humor.

Which may explain why we drive the Kool-Aid metaphor into the ground when it comes to Apple and its sexy product line.

Did I just say that? I’m a married man. This is not Victoria’s secret…it’s Steve Jobs’ not-so-secret to take over the world, even from the grave.

And so the world paused for an hour or so yesterday to swirl another round of Apple-flavored drink, made sweet by the promise of ever more features, usability and coolness. Why, yes, I think I’ll have another.

Analysts are already predicting that iPhone5 will sell 10 million units in the first couple of weeks or so, and as many as 58 million in a year. No wonder apple stock keeps breaking its own records. Good grief.

This is yet another example of when the product is not the actual product, but rather some other aspect…tangible or intangible…that people are buying. Sure, it’s a telephone with a couple dozen other gadgets all built into one, but there are numerous substitutes, and ones that cost less. So why will 58 million people pony up anywhere from $200 to $400 for the latest, greatest iPhone?

Because nothing says “I am cool” better than an iPhone. Never you mind that most of these 58 million will be repeat offenders, people who grew up on iPhone 1, graduated to iPhone3 or iPhone4, and are now off to cell phone college.

The crazy thing is that, while iPhone5 has a somewhat larger screen and can run on 4G LTE (if you are one of the few US cities with this service), it really does not differ that much from its predecessors. Yeah, it’s razor thin and will have other marks of distinction to set you (I mean, me) apart from the crowd, but at its core, it’s just a reissue.

And I do not care.

Never mind that the Home button on my iPhone4 is getting very non-responsive. Disregard that I now have over 5800 pictures on it and only a few gigabytes left. These things could be rectified if I took the time to do so. But in the Gerlich household, Apple is the fruit we consume.

I am the first to admit that I pay the Apple tax with every gadget I buy. Yes, they tend to be better products than that of the competitors, and other offerings are quite a bit cheaper. But we all know about how our choice of brands says something about us…our quintessential good taste, our means, our tech-forward worldview.

Oh, and did I forget coolness?

You see, Apple’s armada of techno-gadgets are really lifestyle products, but they come with great consumer utility. In other words, they get the job done, but you look pretty impressive while doing it. And as much as competitors like to make fun of the price we Apple fan boys pay for our toys, don’t you think for a minute that they wouldn’t like to be in the driver’s seat, that they would like to see their own stock pushing $700, that people would pack their eponymous retail stores just to drool.

I’ve been drinking from this glass for seven years now, but it is empty once more. I’ll see you in line.

Dr “i to the oh yeah!” Gerlich

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