The Royal Throne

21 09 2011

It’s about this time each year that Neiman Marcus announces its annual ode-to-ostentatiousness, otherwise known as its Christmas Catalog. In it are all manner of splendid discretionary items bearing ungodly prices. And while I do not know if this year’s will feature this particular item, I will say this: It certainly shouldn’t. Let me explain.

Just when you though that home improvement couldn’t go any farther off the deep end, comes the Kohler Numi toilet. And we mere peons of prole existence can ponder this one startling fact: We could have 63 standard toilets in our house for the price of one of these babies.

I’m flush with envy.

Of course, this is no ordinary toilet. It’s a dual-flush model, using a mere 0.6 gallons for the easy stuff, and only 1.28 gallons for heavy duty nature breaks. This is no drop in the bucket, for it is a full 25% less than standard dual-flushers.

The more you flush, the more you’ll be swirling in savings. For an Amarillo residence using between 3000 and 10,000 gallons each month, the marginal rate is $0.002 per gallon. Each flush will save you $0.0004. It will take only 3,150,000 flushes to break even (around 1000 years at 10 flushes per day).

And while you’re waiting for all that money to come pouring in, you can rest assured you will be the envy of your social circle. People will want to visit you on your own turf just to be able to heed nature’s call at the Numi.

The Numi is a feature-rich bathroom experience. There’s a motion detector that automatically lifts the lid, and even knows when its user is standing (thereby triggering the low-flush option). Its self-cleaning features put it on par with the Viking double oven owners no doubt have in the kitchen. The heated seat and warm air blower work in tandem to ensure you never have an oh-my-god moment of frozen disrapture.

The best part, though, is its MP3 dock and built-in speakers. You know…in case you plan on camping out a while. I always like a little Nickelback in the watercloset.

It’s just too bad you won’t be getting too many nickels back for owning one of these.

And if all this makes you want to lose it, consider this: Marketing has apparently done its job. Never mind that this is perhaps one of the most lavish displays of spendthriftiness. But wherever there is want (and a lot of cash), there will be products. Even if they are overkill.

While this throne may be fit for a king (or queen), I can only hope it doesn’t find its way into any extravagant holiday catalogs. You see, it kind of embarrasses me when marketers do stuff like this. Can we not do better than this? Have we not stooped to new depths of hedonism? Have we not bowed at the god of toiletry, mistaking it for the altar of financial hygiene?

I think I need a plumber.

Dr “My Bidet Overfloweth” Gerlich


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